i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
