That's when you crack a 10am beer
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
