I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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