I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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