Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
