So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
