Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
