But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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