Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
