I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
