she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
