I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
