i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
