Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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