I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize