apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
