is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
