just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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