i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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