On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
