If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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