I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
