I murdered the dance floor call the cops
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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