I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
