Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
its liver damage thursday
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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