when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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