She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
