Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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