i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
