apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
