Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
