we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
