The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
