we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
