Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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