I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
