Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
