Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
