We won't sleep together?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
