My sheets look like a crime scene.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
