dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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