Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
