I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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