There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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