I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
