its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
