high people should be assigned attendants
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
