omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
