I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
