That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
