someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
