it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
