Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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