Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
