theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
