It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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