I can't breathe out the right side of my face
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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