Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
