You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
