He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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