I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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