you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
