My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
