That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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