Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I AM VODKA MAN
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
