remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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