My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
